


amnesia.

by orphan_account



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-25 14:49:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 5,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6199255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>why?</p><p>why had this happened to him? of all people, him?</p><p>but as the saying goes, good things must come to an end. </p><p>『based off of the song amnesia』<br/>「short chapters」</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted._

 

 dear luke,

today I drove by our park, the park where we first got drunk. we were both still under age but we didn't care. we were so happy when I stole the wine bottle from my parents and we decided to sneak out, being to afraid of being caught by my parents. we were also afraid of being caught by the cops so we went to a park that not many people knew about and now it seems like tons know about it. they know about our park luke and it's upsetting. I also drove by the field, the field where we both got drunk when I turned legal. I wish we could've done the same when you turned eighteen. anyways, i've got to go.

-m.c.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_I thought about our last kiss, how it felt and the way you tasted._

 dear luke,

do you remember what happened in that field? I wonder if you do. I remember, that was the first time we kissed and when we admitted our feelings for each other even though we were drunk off our asses. but it made me think of our last one. it was in the car when we were in the airport. you didn't want me to go with you because you knew I wouldn't have let you go. that was the truth. I just remembered how you tasted like that fruit that you didn't eat but still tasted like it, strawberries. and when you walked away from me, I put my head down on the steering wheel and bawled my eyes out. i've got to go now.

-m.c.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_Even though your friends tell me you're doing fine, that you're feeling lonely even though he's right beside you._

 

dear luke,

I called your brother, Jack, and asked him how you've been. he told me that you're doing fine and that you've moved on but you look sad around him even though you act happy. act is the key word in that. I bet he doesn't even know what you're really feeling but maybe you don't even know yourself. that's how I am at least. i'm happy you've moved on, starting up a new life. that's what you deserve. nobody deserves to be sad, especially someone who you are or was close to because most of the time, they're the same towards you. not always as well, uh.

-m.c.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_when he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?_

 

dear luke,

I know it's bound to happen. the hurtful words that someone says. I bet he says them to you. I mean I have no clue but yet I just have a gut feeling about it, you know like when you ask yourself a question, you answer it with your gut feeling but then you change it even though the gut feeling is right. when he calls you those names, do you read these letters to comfort you? do you even read them at all? I really wonder now, especially because you never have answered by writing me back but I don't know if you have a busy life or not. bye luke.

-m.c.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?_

dear luke,

why aren't you writing me back? is is because you want nothing to do with me? or the fact that you want to forget what to forget happened between us? was it just a lie, luke? did you pretend to like me because I was just a stupid reject kid that no one liked? or was it just to break my fragile heart at the end? because it seemed like you broke all of our hearts, mine, Ashton's and Calum's, when you told us that you were quitting the band. it really did hurt and I hope it did the same to you, douchebag.

I'm still into you and I don't care what you say.

-m.c.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_if what we had was real, how could you be fine?_

 

dear luke,

if you're fine, then of what we had, was it real? all of your family said you were perfectly fine and then they told me to stop worrying. liz just laughed at me for calling so much but she doesn't understand how much I love you. you seem fine to me, ignoring me and shit. i'm used to it now, I don't care if you're not reading these, i am going to keep writing you. it helps me, you know, I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. your my drug luke, and I can't get enough of you. oh well, bye.

-m.c.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_'cause I'm not fine at all_

 

dear luke,

I just want to get this off my chest because it's starting to hurt me even more than before. i'm not fine. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I dropped out of high school at 17 to be in the band and look where I am now. the band has broken up and I don't even have a degree to get a job. i'm still living at home and have absolutely no money. I don't know what to luke, you took my life with you when you left me. I miss you. ash and cal do too, you know. we all mourn over you leaving the band. we can't bring ourselves to find a new guitarist/lead singer because it would break our hearts even more than they are now. I hope you're happy because we offered our lives up just for you.

-m.c.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_I remember the day you told me you were leaving, I remember the makeup running down your face._

 

dear luke,

the day you figured out that you had to leave for your family, you were crying so much. you ran up to me at my house, cried into my shoulder and kept mumbling about having to leave to America. it broke my heart to see you cry like that but it broke even more when I realized you said you were leaving. but the worst part was when I saw makeup running down your face and you had a black eye. of course I asked you why. you told me you tried to fight back for us and of course the others too. you told me your dad got so mad when you refused to move that he punched you and said it was final. I hope you and your dad are fine now.

-m.c.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_all the dreams you left behind, you didn't need them. like every single wish we ever made._

 

dear luke,

you told me once that you wanted to play your music worldwide and that it was your passion to teach kids all around the world about individuality and how you are the only you. I told you that I hope your wish came true and I told you I wanted to do the same. so we dreamed together, hoping that it would increase our chances. it did, we went on three tours together and we've saved (not physically) other peoples lives. that all changed when you moved. I remember about a month before you found out you were leaving, you told me you wanted to spread the word more and more. but you abandoned them, along with me and the boys, the fans too of course. it broke all of our hearts. did you not need that dream?

-m.c.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_I wish that I could wake up with amnesia_

 

dear luke,

this might sound pathetic and sappy but without you, I want [wish] to have amnesia. I want to forget, I need to forget. having a normal life is out of the question when you're heartbroken and still can't get over what happened. but you promised, you knew I was never in a relationship before you and you promised not to hurt me. look where I am now, luke. i'm on my bathroom floor bawling my eyes out while writing this but I bet you don't even care.

-m.c.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_and forget about the stupid little things._

 

dear luke,

I want to forget, for get it all. well mostly the stupid little things. it may seem wrong but i've fallen into a deep depression. I hope you know, it's all because of you. you left me luke. you quit the band. you left us. all of our hopes and dreams were ripped out of our chests because of you. our music career is over because of you. ashton will never be on the top of the list for best drummers. calum will never show how important the bass guitar is to a band. I will never show that it's a good thing to morph genres together. but we did this all for you, I hope you're happy.

-m.c.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you._

dear luke,

I miss your cuddles so much. yeah I know the last letter wasn't the best, I was ー is mad at the realization of you leaving. anyways, your cuddles. I don't know if you remember but I was usually the big spoon and you were the little spoon even though you were the taller one. most the time we didn't even spoon at all, you laid on top of me or I laid on top of you. it was strange. just like we still are now. I still love you.

-m.c.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_and the memories I never can't escape._

dear luke,

those memories haunt me y'know? the ones of us fighting in year 9 when we hated each other. I only hated you because I knew that I would never be like you, tall and very attractive. what made you hate me so much? you never really told me. but anyways I started up my last year of high school online, because I really can't get a job anywhere without at least a high school diploma. I think calum's doing it too since me and him [and you] were the only ones that dropped out. it was for a good cause at the time. a memory just flashed in my mind. I miss you.

-m.c.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_'cause I'm not fine at all._

  
dear luke,  
I guess in the last letter I didn't really clarify what the memory was about. it was about your 16th birthday party with tons of people and at first I didn't want to go because I didn't like people, I still don't. you told me you were announcing something important so I went. that was the night that you came out as being gay and most people left. I supported you and told you the truth about me being bisexual. it was an amazing memory while it lasted because now it brings tears to my eyes thinking how much I miss you and how I'm not fine.

-m.c.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_the pictures that you sent me, there still living in my phone. i'll admit I like to see them, i'll admit I feel alone._

  
dear luke,  
although we've been apart for a while, I still have your pictures. the selfies that you took on my phone, the ones that you sent me, and even the ones we took together. I just can't bring myself to delete them. even when you said you looked terrible, you were still beautiful and hot to me. hell, you still are. don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise or else I'll fly to America and beat the shit out of them even though we aren't together.

-m.c.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_and all my friends keep asking why i'm not around._

dear luke,

I haven't shown my face around for a while. I'm aways in my room, playing video games, writing these letters and crying. The only time I eat is when my mom forces me to. shush, I know its not healthy but without you, I don't have that person who would offer me food, or know what type of pizza I wanted depending on my mood because the guys only figured I liked pepperoni which was only partially right. that person was you...after Year 9, after us hating each other, we relized how much we had in common and what we didn't have in common, you payed close attention to, which made me the happiest. anyways, ash and cal keep coming to my house, trying to get me to come out, but that's never happening.

-m.c.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_it hurts to know you're happy, yeah it hurts that you've moved on._

  
dear luke,  
I know I should be happy for you but I'm not. it hurts to know somebody else can make you happy, maybe even happier than I did. fuck, luke, what did I ever do to have this happen to me. I fall in love but then somebody has to come and interfere to take it away from me. you were my first true love, cheesy I know, but I thought you loved me. you've already moved on that fast, maybe I have attachment issues but it's gonna take awhile for me to find someone else. does he make you happier than I did?

-m.c.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_it's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen in so long._

dear luke,

ash and cal try not to say your name when they're around me and so does everyone else. it never happens, it always slips from someones mouth and it's hard to hear it sometimes. as much as I can't get you out of my head, your name haunts me the most. everytime I hear it, memories of us flood through my head one right after another. you know your eyes haunt me to, I dyed my hair blue to match your eyes. it's never going to compare though, never. I tried to make it as if it were the ocean just like your eyes are to me but it didn't work. nothing ever works.

-m.c.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_if the day I woke up with you right beside me, like all of this was just some twisted dream, i'd hold you closer than I ever did before._

  
dear luke,

if there was some sort of way, I'd do it. you might be wondering what'd I'd do, I'd wake up with you next to me every morning. it's one twisted dream but it'd be the best one by far. I just want you back in my arms and to hold onto tight. I don't think I would ever let you leave because letting you leave was the worse mistake of my life. I let you walk right on out of our dreams, of our everything. that's why I'd like to hold you closer so you'd never get away.

-m.c.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_if the day I woke up with you right beside me, like all of this was just some twisted dream, i'd hold you closer than I ever did before._

  
dear luke,

if there was some sort of way, I'd do it. you might be wondering what'd I'd do, I'd wake up with you next to me every morning. it's one twisted dream but it'd be the best one by far. I just want you back in my arms and to hold onto tight. I don't think I would ever let you leave because letting you leave was the worse mistake of my life. I let you walk right on out of our dreams, of our everything. that's why I'd like to hold you closer so you'd never get away.

-m.c.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_I remember the day you told me you were leaving, I remember the makeup running down your face. and the dreams you left behind you didn't need them, like every single wish we ever made. I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things; like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you and the memories I never can't escape, 'cause I'm not fine at all, no I'm really not fine at all._

  
dear luke,

this all had to happen, huh? the worse thing that possibly could have happen other than **that.** but let's not speak of that at all. I don't want anything like that to happen. but I guess it's inevitable like a lot of things in the world. things have been on my mind recently and I just can't seem to get you out of my head no matter what I do or say or see. the memories replaying in my mind..I don't even know why, it just randomly hit me. luke, I miss you so much, I seriously can't put it on these papers how much I miss you. this is only like 1/100000000000 because I miss you so much.

-m.c.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_tell me this is just a dream, 'cause i'm really not fine at all._

  
dear luke,

I don't know how I've been able to deal with this for so long. it's been over a year luke, a year too long. could this just be a dream? am I in a coma or sleeping? luke, I just want your hugs, your kisses, i miss waking up next to you in the morning with you cuddle up against my side and then when I turn around you nuzzle my neck in which it tickles because your hair is flat from sleeping on it. I miss hearing your groggy morning voice when you would wake up and tell me good morning and that you love me. those were the moments that I lived for. you saved me luke, but now you're gone and I'm broken once again. remember when we hated each other luke? well it feels like it's that all over again but like we loved each other at one point but it was a lie and you really hated me. do you hate me luke? was our relationship a lie?

-m.c.


	23. dear michael,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

_dear michael,_

I miss you so much. your letters are the best thing. when I read them, it feels like you're the one next to me telling me this stuff. I've been scared to respond to you, because I already hurt you so much and it might've hurt you more. I didn't want that, I didn't want this and you know that. and I know that you didn't need this and you definitely didn't want it either.  
I wish we had a choice in this world. yes michael gordon, I quoted the fault in our stars. anyways, I know you're not gonna get this in time, but I should let you know that I've been saving up money to get a plane ticket back home and I'm going to be there in about a week and a half.

of course I still love you dork,  
-l.h.


	24. the end or beginning?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lowercase intended.

luke hemmings was one of the most happiest person at this moment. he's been waiting for almost two weeks, two weeks too much. he had finally turned 18 and can move out on his own, which meant Australia was getting a family member back.

he was going to surprise the love of his life because he had assumed the letter he had written had not been received. luke, calum, and ashton were planning a date for luke and michael for when the younger one had gotten back. michael would never suspect a thing unless he put two and two together from all the questions the two boys asking him random questions all the time ranging from, 'what's your favorite fruit?' or 'what's your favorite flower?' he was so oblivious to the fact because he missed his lukey too much.

luke was never one to brag but he swears that this is going to be the best thing he had ever done. it was perfect, mikey was perfect so it had to be too. he would definitely have to thank ash and cal, well technically praise them later.

the plane had finally touched down in sydney and as soon as he stepped into the crowded airport, the accent he was so familiar with came flooding back to him, creating nostalgia. the car ride was even longer than the flight luke had sworn, anxiety building up in the pit of his stomach. what if the whole plan went horribly wrong or what if mikey would never take him back at all? he wouldn't blame him, luke had left him for almost an entire year for fucks sake. i mean, who would take back somebody who left you, made you bawl you eyes out, and never respond to your cute letters you sent to them. no one.

michael set down the pen in his hand and reread the letter in his hands over and over again, making sure the words were as perfect as he meant them to be. tears stream down his face for the millionth time in his life. he was a crybaby, a useless crybaby michael would tell himself. the only person who loved him had walked out of his life completely. for, who would love anybody with scars. or somebody who constantly put themselves down with nothing but the truth. or a human who was incapable to be an actual human. ever since luke left, he had to become an emotional wreck. ash and cal tried to get him help and tried to help him themselves. he was broken and the only one who could fix michael clifford is gone.

he set down the letter, the now empty pill bottle and the extremely dull razor. the only way he could find peace and his life be a continuous dream he wanted. he told himself he had nothing to live for and just went with that. nothing or nobody could tell him otherwise. michael gulped down a full bottle of vodka when he started to become dizzy. he smiled in delight, his wish was becoming his reality. he would finally do something right with his life.

cal and ash were finally doing their end of the plan, setting everything up. luke was counting on them to do this for him. the two never went upstairs to inform mikey of them being there so it would be a surprise for him so they had to keep it down. they were hoping this would pull michael out of his depression. ash knew he had it and cal had soon caught on. deep down it hurt them both a lot but they each other to rely on.

ashton irwin and calum hood eventually told the fans about the two of them together after all the doubts had left their minds. tons upon tons of fans had supported them with all they had and it made them feel wonderful to have fans like that. but they had more time worrying about one of their best friends that would kill them if he figured out how often they talked to luke. he would never talk to them again but if he knew the reason why, he would have been fine with that.

the lively car engine died when luke stopped the car and quickly got out. as he sees the house, memories flood back in his mind. he tries not to let the tear fall as he recalled the one of him telling michael about his departure. this was his time to shine.

as soon as he steps into the house, something doesn't feel right but he can't put his finger on it. ashton and calum had spotted the blond boy and practically tackled him into a group hug. luke had changed into nicer clothes after his long flight.

he reviewed everything his friends had done and everything was going to plan. it was finally time to get his love and before he could, the other two had went upstairs into the spare room to watch movies in case of rejection.

once he had heard the door close, he quickly rushed up the stairs, now pacing in front of mikey's door. how was he going to do this? the thought had never crossed his mind. it looks like luke will have to wing this.

pushing open the door, he opened his closed eyes and once the scene had reached his eyes, they widened. this could not be happening! no!no!no! tears blurred his vision as he ran over to the seemingly lifeless body. luke picked up michael's head and placed it on his lap, screaming but quickly checked his pulse. there was one, but it was faint.

ashton and calum came rushing into the room, alarmed at the scream that erupted from the blond's mouth. ash pulled out his phone, calum running over to luke, helping him. the sight was horrific, paper balls scattered around the room, thrown dirty clothes, shattered alcohol bottles, and a large puddle of crimson where michael's body was lain before.

ems had gotten there just as quick, luke's vision full of blurred, bright, flashing lights. voices were heard but were going in one ear and out the other. he wasn't conscious in this world anymore.

ashton and calum tried to get luke to come with them on the ambulance but all he did was sit there, shaking his head back and forth over and over again.

once all commotion died down and they were long gone, luke stomped down the stairs going to the table. seeing the breathtaking sight, candles scattered around the dark room, daisies littered on the floor and in the vases on the table; pizza set in fancy plates with chocolate covered strawberries sat in the middle. blowing out all the candles, luke started his destruction.

the vases were soon shattered against the floor, torn and stomped on flowers everywhere, the tablecloth ripped, the chairs knocked down. everything destroyed.

karen, michael's mum, walked in to see luke crying and breathing heavily in the corner of the trashed room. she ran over to him, asking questions, exhaustion clearly in her voice and tired eyes. he stood up and lightly pushed her to the side, walking up to mikey's room.

a letter was laying in the middle of the black desk. tears, blood and a bunch of folds visible on the paper as an empty bottle pf pills was next to it along with the blue pen that mikey always wrote with. luke picked up the letter with delicacy, more tears falling down his face.

**had he pushed michael to do this?**

**was it because he never replied, or was it because he didn't try hard enough to stay?**

**was this his fault?**

he opened up the multiply folded paper and read the last words of his love.

_dear luke,_

_i have no clue if you are going to read this, but i you do, i love you. you might be thinking this is all your fault but believe me, it's not. don't worry about it too much, i just wanted to remind you how much you mean to me before i go._

_i miss waking up to see your flat hair against your forehead and your shimmering blue eyes, running my fingers through your hair and then you teasingly do the same to me, whispering good morning. god i'm getting goosebumps just remembering the memories._

_i miss hearing your stupid jokes in that stupid voice of yours and i wish i could still tell you to shut up afterwards. that stupid voice of yours could go from sweet angel to hot demon in a matter of seconds and damn, i miss that too._

_i miss cuddling up to you during interviews, after our most intimate times, or just when we wanted to. i miss sneaking in small kisses during interviews, in videos for the channel and fans, or when we were on stage._

_there are too many 'i miss' because, hell, i just miss you._

_i don't want you to get upset over this, i'm in a better place, a better mind set. even when i go, i'll probably miss and think of you twenty-four seven still. i want you to remember the good times for me, for us. i want to get over me and create even better memories with the right one for you._

_i'll miss you in the afterlife._  
_i love you,_

 _-m.c._  
_michael gordon clifford_

"you were the right one for me, michael," luke speaks after reading the letter, tears heavily running down his face.

 

* * *

 

luke had finally made his way to the local hospital, looking for his love and when he did, he could help but cry at the almost lifeless body.

calum and ashton were hugging in the corner, bawling their eyes out so he goes over to the side of michael's bed, pulling a chair over and gripping his hand tightly. bandages were wrapped against his pale wrists, the red almost bleeding through with an iv in one of them. luke was told that they had to pump his stomach as soon as they reached the hospital and luke thinks he's never cried as much as he has in the past twelve hours. 

 

* * *

 

hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. the doctors announced that michael had fallen into a coma the day after the incident happened and luke had stayed there ever since. he only got up to use the bathroom or shower, he rarely ate even though karen came up to the room everyday, bringing luke food. luke would always ask himself 'what's the point anymore.'

he blames it all on himself that michael might not ever wake up. he would never get to see those green eyes ever again, even though he hasn't seen them in over a year anyway. it's been long over a year since luke moved to the u.s. before coming back, the surprise wasn't to plan, it was ruined.

after returning from a shower, he hears a groggy, scratchy voice, him being scared, "you must like giving a person who just woke up a boner, don't you?"

luke never turned around so quickly in his life. his love was alive, breathing, seeing, hearing!

"only for you, dork," he finally responds, tackling the boy laying in the hospital bed the best he could.

 

* * *

 

luke started to take care of himself more and more, gaining back the weight that he had lost, while michael kept getting better an better in the hospital. they made him go to therapy even though he protested, saying that he was perfect since luke was there and back in his life.

once he got out of the hospital, he was able to dye his now faded and long hair to luke's favorite color after he got it cut in honor of luke. luke was able to redo his 'surprise date' as their official 'get back together' date and to say michael loved it was an understatement.

five seconds of summer did get back together and nothing better could happen to the four boys, they were back and better than ever.

every single day of their lives, michael and luke regretted what had happen in the first place but the result in the end was worth it for sure.

 **THE END**


End file.
